Blackbeard v. Johnson

Write the opening to a pirate story without using the words PIRATE, PATCH, ARR,  MATEY, PEGLEG or SHIP.

 

Blackbeard v. Johnson

§§ 76 – 88

Argued September 5, 2032

Decided September 5, 2032

710 U.S. 313

 

APPEAL HEARD BY JUDGE CATHERINE BANES

Session 1

 

Judge: Mr. Johnson, are you aware of the charges filed against you at this time?

Johnson: It sounds like I said –

Judge: May I remind you that you are in my courtroom, Mr. Johnson. I caution you right now that I will not tolerate disrespect.

Johnson: Um, I called someone a bad word.

Judge: You used language of hate, Mr. Johnson. Certainly as a man of color you must be sensitive to just how much damage such rhetoric can cause?

JUDGE WAITS

Judge: Mr. Johnson?

Johnson: Oh, yeah, your honor. I don’t particularly like being called the N word or even a Republican.

GENERAL LAUGHTER

JUDGE BANGS GAVEL

Judge: Silence! Mr. Johnson, please keep your comments germane to the case.

Johnson: Yes, your honor.

Judge: Will the defendant please rise and state his name.

DEFENDANT RISES

Blackbeard: Yes, yer honor. I be Phineas P. Blackbeard, at yer service.

Judge: Would you please point to the man who used hate speech against you?

The court will note that Mr. Blackbeard pointed to the Plaintiff, Mr. Johnson.

THE PLAINTIFF POINTED AT MR JOHNSON

Blackbeard: That thar be the man who said them words what hurt so bad. He did.

Johnson: Seriously?

Judge: May I remind you that you are already on thin ice, Mr. Johnson?

Johnson: Sure, go ahead.

Judge: The court will note that the defendant is in contempt, which will be factored into the eventual decision rendered by this court at the end of this session.

THE DEFENDANT IS IN CONTEMPT

Blackbeard: Ya see Judge? He has a mean streak, that one. Even me parrot don’t take to him, and Barnacles loves everyone, don’t ya, Barnacles.

Judge: Mr. Blackbeard, though you have special dispensation to bring an animal into the courtroom due to your unique cultural heritage, please do not think that you can turn this court room into a zoo. Keep comments focused on the case, please.

Johnson: He’s trying to win jury sympathy with the bird, your honor.

Judge: This is not a trial by jury, Mr. Johnson. If anything, Mr. Blackbeard’s shenanigans with the bird are to his detriment.

Blackbeard: I most humbly apologize yer honor, it is a tradition in my family to speak to our parrots when considering the fates of others.

Judge: Noted, but keep it to a minimum. My family has a tradition of screaming at each other in similar circumstance, but that will not be tolerated either.

Blackbeard: Yes, yer honor.

Judge: Where are the case briefs, bailiff?

Johnson: So, Judge, if I were to call Mr. Blackbeard a no good, low down, egg sucking son of a bitch, then that would not be an ethnic slur, right?

Defendant looks directly at the plaintiff.

Blackbeard: You’ll walk the boards for that you land lubber! I’ll keel haul you seven ways from Sunday and then send your gnarled testicles to the briney deep

JUDGE GAVELS HEAVILY

Judge: Order! Order in the court!

Court reporter (I am going to stand and speak) the following words: Your honor? My name is Sheena Yellowbeard, I be second generation sea gypsy and must speak my piece about this varlet Blackbeard; he be an arsehole! Mr. Johnson’s words be not hate speech, they by truth!

COURT REPORTER RITA KORNBLATT TAKES OVER NOTES

SHEENA IS ESCORTED OUT OF THE COURTROOM BY THE BAILIFF

Judge: Alright, then. Mr. Johnson! Mr. Blackbeard! If there are not further interruptions, I would like to resume this trial in a dignified and proper manner. Do you have a statement of damaged Mr. Blackb-

WOODEN DOORS BURST OPEN, A BAND OF UNIVITED PRIVATE CITIZENS ENTER

Citizen1 Wharr be the prisonarr?

Judge: You will leave this court room at once, your disruption is –

Citizen2 Silence the wench, me hearties, string her up from the yard arms!

Citizen1 They ain’t got no yard arms, captain.

Citizen2 Well then, use that there useless flag pole, then.

Citizen1 Right-oh, sar!

Johnson See, do you see how they are, their kind is always over running things.

Citizen2 Yo, Blackbeard! We are here to rescue ya from the clutches of the imperial dogs.

Blackbeard Idiot! You toothless, wrinkled, senile, wart faced son of a camel!

Citizen2 Yer welcome, brother!

JUDGE IS STRUNG UP BY HER ARMS FROM THE FLAG POLE

Judge My feet touch the floor you idiots, you don’t even know how to string someone up! You are still going to jail for this.

DOORS EXPLODE AND A CANNON BALL RIPS THROUGH ROWS E-H

MORE CITIZENS ENTER

Citizen3 Yarrgh, we be here to free Blackbeard!

Blackbeard Kenny, is that you?

Citizen3 I know not this Kenny whom you are trying to call out to, in a name like, that – um… yeah it’s be, but I wanted to come in all authentic.

Mr. Johnson Is that a real cannon?

Citizen3/Kenny Yeah, sure. Isn’t it cool.

Johnson Damn right it’s cool. I want to join your group!

Blackbeard I want it on the record that I did not invite any of these people to come here and I am being taken against my will.

ALL THE CITIZEN, DEFENDANT and PLAINTIFF WALK ARM IN ARM TOWARD THE RUIN OF THE DOORS

Judge Wait! You can’t leave!

Citizen2 Any why not? You have no authority over our kind.

Judge I want to come with you!

CITIZENS CONFER

Citizen1 You’ll have to swab the decks.

Judge Deal.

Citizen2 Unstring the wench,

Judge Katey…

Citizen2 Rescue that fair Kate, we sail at dusk for Perkins. Yarrrrgfh!

END SESSION

 

 

 

-Barnold